Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
Ps 127:3-5
Now don’t get me wrong, I was never one of those guys who say they don’t want to have kids. No sir. From the time it became a pertinent question (namely engagement to marriage), I was firmly in the five-years-from-now camp.
The interesting thing about five-years-from-now is that it is always… five years from whenever “now” happens to be. In other words, postponed indefinitely.
I wasn’t against having children, in fact I always pictured myself eventually with children. But there were a lot of “really great reasons” for not having them anytime soon.
children are a blessing from the Lord
Over the last several years I’ve spent a great deal of time learning and teaching about sexuality – how God made us male and female, designed us for marriage, and gave us sex as a marital one-flesh bond and as a way to participate with him in the creation of new life. Sexuality and childbearing in scripture are intimately linked.
Throughout scripture, childbearing is consistently taught to be a great good. The inability to bear children (Abraham and Sarah for just one example) is often a major point of tension around which the plot revolves. And when that difficulty is overcome by a miracle of God it is a great act of his loving kindness worthy of writing down for posterity.
As the psalmist writes, children are a reward and a blessing from God. It is a great good for us when we bear children.
uncovering unbelief
But as I taught and wrote about God’s design of sexuality, I slowly became aware that biblical truth was in direct conflict with my personal feelings on the matter. Despite what scripture said, my feelings said that children mess up an otherwise very nice and quiet and non-smelly household.
Underneath any high-sounding excuses I might have made, my “really great reasons” for holding back on bearing children can be summarized as follows: babies are smelly and their diapers are gross and they scream a lot and I don’t like those things.
Scripture doesn’t have a lot to say about babies pooping and crying, but it does say unequivocally that they are a blessing from God. And I discovered that I didn’t really believe it.
As a Christ follower, that was an obvious problem for me when I became aware of it. Especially as someone whose focus is on biblical sexuality, it would be a terrible hypocrisy to allow this area of my heart to go unrepented and unredeemed.
Does that sound like I’m being too harsh on myself? Let me rephrase the problem: I refused to believe God in what he says about childbearing.
But what to do? I can tell myself that God’s Word is true and thus mine must be wrong. Unfortunately, that doesn’t directly change my feelings on the matter, just points out the conflict. After several months of wrestling with this, it was obvious the solution would take time and would need to be a matter of prayer. My prayer became, God, help me believe what you say about bearing children. Show me the good in it that overcomes my hesitations.
finding the good
A major turning point came when my grandfather passed away.
As the ordained minister in the family, I was asked to perform the funeral. It was at the same time a great honor and a terribly difficult task. I loved my grandfather and regretted not having a chance to say goodbye. I had to fight my way through the ceremony to keep a semblance of composure.
Afterward, what struck me was the joy and life represented by the gathered family, even in their shared grief. His children (three daughters and their husbands), grandchildren, and a growing number of great-grandchildren were all in attendance. We all loved him and regretted his passing, but there was also a joy in gathering together as family, the progeny of this man I called grandfather.
Then it struck me: what greater joy could there be at the end of a long and well-lived life than to have a large loving family which has come from you? And what could be worse than to come to then end of a long life and have no family who would gather together to mourn your passing?
As this basic thought percolated over the following year, I began to notice a gradual change in my attitude towards children – not the idea of children, but specific children. My heart would leap upon seeing a close friend’s infant smile or child caper around after church. Where before I felt mainly awkwardness around children, I began to feel affection and joy in their presence. I wanted to play with them, to make them laugh. And I began to desire a child of my own.
be fruitful
God blessed them and said to them,
“Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.”
Genesis 1:28
Bearing children is a great good – how could it be otherwise? God the Father, in his great wisdom, knowing the terrible price that He would pay in love, chose to give birth to mankind. For the joy set before him, Jesus endured the cross, scorning its shame. Long before the cross, for the joy set before him, the Father called man into existence, enduring the pain of their rebellion and scorning the shame of his beloved children who would reject him.
He saw the end before the beginning and judged truly that creating a family who would love and call Him Father was worth all the pain and sin of this fallen world.
When God created man in His own image, he blessed us with the gift of participating in creation itself. We can join together as husband and wife and bear children – whom God will invest with a living eternal soul.
This is surely a great good worth the great costs of parenting!
I write this as a brand new father with a screaming inconsolable infant. Those things I had feared are already coming to pass. And I find them insignificant compared to the joy set before me.
- Scott Feb 28, 2009
*****
postscript
This clearly is only a short discussion of a large matter. There’s no space here to give some important caveats, and much remains to be said. I would love to hear your thoughts and reflections on the topic of being open to childbearing.
I should also say that the closing paragraph was written in faith and in fear. Though I’ve been pondering this post for months, the words were written down while in the midst of a new struggle – holding on to joy in faithful expectation of what will come, while enduring the scream of an inconsolable child. This is a significant struggle for both of us, and I appreciate your prayers on our account.
Very good article Scott. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey.
Scott, very well thought out comments. There is nothing like parenting to truly bring you to your knees, and the end of yourself, but that is where God can really do His work. Welcome to fatherhood-you are well suited for it, and you always have been, even if you did not know it
Thank you cousin! Half a night of screaming was enough to bring me to me knees and to the edge of sanity!
I’m amazed by how much of fatherhood seems to come naturally. Many things I had worried about just aren’t a problem. Unlike with others’ babies, I don’t feel awkward at all with mine, I don’t mind changing diapers, and although it’s a huge change it seems right and natural that I’m his father. I wonder if that is a common feeling for new dads?
You’re welcome. It has been quite a major part of my spiritual journey for two years and I’ve been looking forward to sharing it. Actually planned to write this post a few months ago but never got around to it. I’m glad it didn’t come until now, as it carries a ton more meaning to share this with others at the moment when I’m holding my newborn son in my arms
It’s amazing the timing of God. I think sometimes I am procrastinating … and most of the time I am right. But there are times when God saw fit to make sure I sat on the vision for a while.
It not only means more for you as the writer… it means more for the reader as well. Thanks again.
Scott, this is great stuff. Thanks so much for your honesty. It only takes a Y chromosome in the wrong place to make a dad. It takes a commitment to a life of sacrifice, patience, and grace to make a real father. Love, hope, stooping down to a lower level and serving even when you’re exhausted. Putting the needs of someone else above your own. Man…it costs in unimaginable amount really. Everything good does. And in that, we imitate Christ I think…Sacrifice, stooping down, serving when exhausted — you’ll never do anything that more closely resembles Christ than when you practice being a good father. No wonder there’s such joy in it all.
Thank you Steve — I deeply respect your parenting of your children, so your words carry a lot of weight for me. You have clearly done an amazing job of laying down your life for your kids. It shows in their lives.
I have had in my mind that being a father might teach me a lot about my heavenly Father. Didn’t realize the lessons would start so quickly!
Thanks for sharing about Grandpa- he had no greater love than his children and grandchildren! They were truly the joy of his life.
I also was unsure of how I would feel or be able to cope with childrearing. It’s such a DAILY thing. You can’t just stop and get off when the going gets tough. I was delighted to find that despite those really tough days (and there were many), my children and grandchildren are the delight of my life. I look back on the days when you kids were babies and toddlers, and even though I remember vaguely how EXHAUSTED I felt all the time, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You are truly a blessing. And so is Josiah! Love you.
Yes, I’m glad you reminded me of that. I remember hearing the same refrain from all of the family before the memorial service – that his children and grandchildren were the joy of his life, and they wanted to make sure I said that from the front.
Hey, Scott. Great article, but what I would’ve commented has already been said, so let me give you a product recommendation re: the screaming and sleepless nights.
Miracleblanket.com
…Best $30 you’ve ever spent in your (or Karen’s) life. It works wonders, truly, on new babies. Other swaddle blankets are NOT the same.
We’re thrilled for you, by the way! Hang in there, it gets better relatively quickly.
Re: miracle blanket. Looks good – longer wrap than the ones I’ve seen and looks like it has some extra pieces to hold the arms down at the side. Josiah is absolutely determined to hold his hands up to his face, which makes feedings difficult. Might be worth trying.
HI Scott -
I have some thoughts about the screaming newborn too. They are called the 5 “S’s” by Dr. Harvey Karp, who wrote Happiest Baby on the Block. I put some notes about it in Caryn’s New Mommy Basket, but since you don’t have that yet and seem to need the notes, here they are.
There are 5 techniques that stimulate the calming reflex for newborns. Start at 1 and just keeping adding or changing to find out what your son wants. They are:
1. Swaddling – as your other friend mentioned. Newborns like the tight feeling they had in the womb. It makes them feel secure.
2. Side or Stomach laying – this has to be while you’re holding him, as babies are supposed to sleep on their back. Our son, Mason loved laying on my chest/shoulder area. So, I kept him propped there a lot.
3. Shushing or white noise – basically just say “shhh” in his ear rather loud while holding him.
4. Swinging or jiggling – baby swings work for this, or to combo it with #3, hold him while jiggling him a little bit up and down or patting his bottom while saying “shh” in his ear.
5. Sucking – usually nursing or a pacifier should calm him down. But it can be hard on Caryn to nurse him just to calm him down.
Anyway, those are the thoughts and I hope they help you out and give you some peace. Otherwise, call someone who is healthy, to come give you two a break every now and then. You aren’t failing if you have to ask for help.
Thanks for the tips Tracy!
Great reflections, Scott. There is a lot to process when it comes to having children. Every time I change a poopy diaper or pick up food under the table for the tenth time in a day, I find that there is an opportunity to empty myself of myself. Marriage and parenting offer unique opportunities to practice sacrificial, selfless and unconditional love– something our culture and unfortunately too many Christians no longer value. Whatever opportunities are before us, whether it be marriage, parenting or even friendship, we get closer to the heart of God when we are willing to do just that.
Julie, your comments made a connection for me with something else I’ve been thinking and writing about – how marriage is meant to be a sort of dying-to-self. (here’s some reflections on marriage-as-dying from back in November).
The point that several theologians have made is that marriage is a covenant, and covenant relationships always involve a sort of death. You mentioned ongoing daily death to self and self sacrifice, which is of course part of what makes a great marriage. Marriage is a well known covenant relationship (though many treat it as a contract today). But what if parenting is a sort of covenant between the parents, the child and God?
It seems to me that it fits, especially based on the covenant command from God to “teach [my words] to your children… so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land.” And prominent in the ten commandments is the command to children to “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” That certainly sounds like a blessing for obedience to a covenant.
I’ve never thought about bearing children as entering into a covenant with them… wonder if anyone has searched that idea out in scripture? At the least, it seems to be a part of the larger covenant between God and us as his people. If it really fits, then that speaks volumes about what it really means to bear children, the responsibility before God that it brings, and the blessings (and curses) that can result…
Scott & Caryn, if you think it is something more than the “4th trimester” (I hope you have the Happiest Baby on the Block book!) or colic, let me know & I’d be happy to discuss what we’ve been through with Bear.
There is nothing like raising children to challenge your heart and to extend the boundaries of the heart to grow more loving when submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. It is life changing and we grow in a deeper intimacy with OUR FATHER and OUR KING with His Children, and knowing HE knows our own tests, our joys and our griefs. The understanding of the sacrifices and growing our hearts in love, we grow in the knowledge of our experience and thus we ultimately will gain HIS wisdom. Oh the amazing ways of God. There are many things I could write here about my own experiences in having 3 adult children, but I will spare you, and merely end with, IT IS A FANTASTIC JOURNEY, even when it is painful, because Our GOD IS IN CONTROL and He doesn’t waste our sufferings but uses it for GLORY! TO HIM BE ALL THE PRAISE!
God bless you Scott and Karen! God bless you in this wonderful journey!
Thanks Stephen! I’m certainly looking forward to all that God will teach me about him through the experience of raising children. And I appreciate your encouragement
[...] — Scott @ 9:18 am In my previous post, I talked briefly about my process of coming to be open to having children, of seeing childbearing as a good (and in a sense necessary) part of [...]
God works with amazing patience (and often lightening speed) in our hearts….when my husband and I were first married, at age 19, we were told we were too young for marriage, let alone children. At the time, we were very much living in the world. We were both active duty military and intended to have a child when we hit oh, say 30 years of age….and we did everything we could to prevent a child coming along…until God placed in our arms, totally unexpectedly and not in ‘our’ plans, an 8 month old baby. Within 2 weeks, we went from praying that this little boy would be placed in a loving home, to being his parents! Talk about humbling, especially when we had spent the last few years telling God WE weren’t ‘ready’ to be parents…that’s what living in the world tells you…and fast forward some 9 years…we have since had 3 more blessings (by childbirth), with our 5th quickly growing within me (due Feb 2010.). God was more than patient with us, and then finally, he moved quicker than I have ever heard of any adoption occurring – from temporary placement on April 8th, to finalization of the process on April 21st! And we have given God the glory ever since.
Thank you for sharing your fatherhood venture with the world.
Many Blessings,
Hope
Thanks for sharing your story Hope! May God bless you and yours.
[...] [How I became open to having kids] [A Sensitive Topic: Children & Family] [...]