I realized that this past week included my first “mommy” event as a mommy, not counting my baby shower. I attended a Mom’s 
time at a church nearby where several of our friends go. It is a great program and these older moms in the church body have such a wonderful heart to help encourage younger moms through this ministry. I was highly encouraged to be a part of it. Of course, Josiah was kind of uncooperative the day before, and was questionable that morning. I had packed the car, and Josiah was screaming his head off at this point. I almost didn’t go.
But my sweet friend called me to say that it was fine if I came late. I was determined then to go ahead. I got there late, and it was their last meeting of this year (they kind of go on a school calendar) and I didn’t really get a ton from the teaching exactly, slightly distracted feeding and taking care of the spit up of my little one. But, it was just encouraging to be in a room of moms. The speaker was talking about how she didn’t wake up every day wanting to do all the things before her; that some of it was responsibility and where we needed to seek after God for the endurance and patience to push through laundry, meal planning, tight budgets, crying kids, etc. And how we need each other in this.
It was also nice to look around the room and see a great collection of moms. Some had several children, some were just pregnant with their first. Some moms were older with young children; some younger with older children, some older with older children! Some with 7 kids, one married off already. And several of us with our first. It’s nice to feel “normal” and see so many others trying to find sanity and community amidst busyness.
I won’t get to go to that again until September when they start up, but it is nice to look forward to things like this with others who can be an encouragement to me and whom I can learn from; and also to be able to offer something to others as well.
I realized that since a very difficult trip home I hadn’t been face to face with friends really yet to process some of what went on, and then just flesh out some frustrations and exhaustion with the baby this past week. My friend who had initially invited me was such an encouragement, too, just welcoming me there and inviting me over for lunch. I kind of unloaded on my other friend (the one who had called me telling me I could come late), and she graciously listened to me, and even teared up as I wept. It was so refreshing and welcome. I was overwhelmed. I had been feeling very lonely and I don’t know that I’d recognized how deeply that had run.
Another young woman, a new friend, was also there at the end, and she also graciously listened to me pour out my heart, and pursued me with love. How precious that is.
The day before I felt at my end. I’m not ignorant to being in a very difficult place right now between some family circumstances and just the exhaustion of a high-needs child and still recovering from not great amounts of sleep yet. As I was eating with Scott, amidst a very difficult day, I started weeping as I realized the fullness of my exhaustion and sadness. I confessed openly something that I had not actually admitted to myself yet until that moment — that I have some jealousy towards moms who are in a similar season to me, but have an easier child. I realize that I don’t want a pity party, and I know they have their own struggles and issues, that I don’t have. I know God knows what He is doing, and I do not covet another child; I LOVE our baby boy. I just had a realization of my jealousy and needed to confess.
After that time of confession and crying; after leaning on these other moms for a few moments at a gathering of women and finding some refreshment; after a day where Josiah slept a lot better…I began to have hope.
And thankfully today, I had some good quality time with my husband, and even feel somewhat rested, although I’m starting to wane now. And I know Josiah will probably wake up again and be hard to put down. But I have these glimpses of hope.
Everyone has told me it will get better. And I do need to hear that, but at the same time, it has often been so hard to believe. But I know we’ve come so far! Tonight as we took a nice walk and Josiah was happy, we saw a couple with a small small little infant and I realized he has grown so much and changed so much. Things are so different from even 2 weeks ago. Watching our child grow is a glorious thing to be invited into.
I want to continue trusting God for the endurance for this time. I know he has given us the child he intended; there is purpose for this, and I will come out probably having a lot of this time be blurry in memory anyway. I love my child. I love my husband.
And I realize my strong need to continue to be plugged in with God and community, especially other moms. And so I must challenge myself to make that happen, despite an erratic schedule with my child.
I appreciate and thank all the moms who have reached out to me in many ways. I feel even overwhelmed the past week with offers to spend time together. This world of stay-at-home moms is now open to me to pursue!! I look forward to doing that, sharing these joys and tears with others who can understand, no matter what their children have been like.
Next Tuesday marks our 7 year wedding anniversary. While we might not get a date night this weekend, I am thankful for what we will get in time together. And I know that the next few years will hold mysteries we can not even fathom. Life is a blessing, even with all the trials and hardships. It’s so hard to say that sometimes, even in this moment I don’t want it to seem trite. But it is true and beautiful — life. And I pray for the strength to cling to that memory in the times that are so hard.
Happy Anniversary, sweet husband!
Happy Memorial Day, everyone!
I understand, more than I can say.
“Everyone has told me it will get better. And I do need to hear that, but at the same time, it has often been so hard to believe. ”
I have to be honest, though; with Bear, my HN child, it took a long time to get better. A long time. I think part of what needed to “get better” or change were my expectations of him and what parenting looked like. I also needed to surround myself with like-minded parents, as the main moms group I went to did not share my parenting values. It was frustrating to hear week after week that their kids were sleeping through the night and were happy all day long. That was NOT my experience. Sorry to say that Bear only recently started sleeping through the night, and doesn’t do it regularly. But that’s totally fine with me. I praise God when he sleeps most of the night and doesn’t need help getting back to sleep
I hope you have the Sears book on HN kids. I’d send you mine, but I gave it to someone. It was SO helpful to me in parenting Bear, as well as coming to terms with the fact that some of the parenting methods that worked for other people not only would not work for Bear, but would be absolutely detrimental to him. Now, he’s mostly a happy kid
He’s loving, he shares, and he’s fairly compliant. And he’s much more secure, which allows him to naturally grow in his independence. I think if we had forced certain issues before he was ready, he’s still be a lot more HN than he is.
I’m here if you want to talk!
You are totally normal! I am glad you got the opportunity to vent and be accepted. I have been involved in MOPS since Charis was 10 months old. Don’t know what I would have done w/o the support! The transition to parenthood was very difficult for me. My first two slept really well and ate whatever was put in front of them (just about!), but Calista still doesn’t sleep all night (she’s one now) and is much pickier. Just last night I was angry in the night for getting up and was thinking “Please God, I can’t take this anymore!” I’m back to reading the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child book, but honestly it makes me even more frustrated b/c I feel like there is this “standard” that I should be attaining. It is a great book and has a lot about the colicky, fussier baby (ways to help w/soothing, etc.).
Hang in there. It’s a rollercoaster. If you get the chance, watch the movie Parenthood (tissues please!) at the end where the grandmother explains about life as a rollercoaster. I saw it as a kid and of course didn’t “get” it, then as a parent of one child, and again w/three kids. Different perspective every time.
You are beautiful and are doing a wonderful job as a mother! Hugs from mom to mom! XOXO!
Caryn, your feelings are perfectly normal! I know you’ve been told this by your friends, but I think all moms have these feelings to one degree or other. I still remember times when I really couldn’t take it any longer, and I was so thankful that I had Randy to turn to. For me, sleep deprivation was a big factor.
I wish I had had a group of peers like you do. Even though the group is finished for the summer, do not hesitate to turn to them individually. It is SO important for your mental health. What a good feeling to know you are not alone in this! I wish I were closer and able to give you some time out.
Please make time with just you and Scott. Get a baby sitter, even though it’s hard, just for an hour or so. Take walks, see a movie, whatever. It’s so important to keep your couple relationship fresh. And don’t talk about the baby when you go out!
Feel free to call me any time you need to vent. I’m home a lot in the day, too, with school. Love you. Wendy
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