We hope to meet her around the middle of June!
I know why people ask “So when are you going to have kids?” September 30, 2009
We are family.
It generally starts around high school. “Where are you going to go to college?” Then “Are you seeing anyone?” That question proceeds to “When are you going to get married (already!)?” If you marry, then you are always asked, “So when are you going to have kids?”
Most of us have been there. Most of us have squirmed, and thought, WHY does everyone have to ask me that? Why can’t I just focus on where I am? Why do I always have to be taking the next big step? Why are they in such a rush?
Well, when I went to college, I began to understand the desire to ask the next class that dreaded question. When I got married, I began to understand why people are always asking about when you’re going to get married. And, oh, having a child, I now understand why people ask that question!
Anyway, there are probably plenty of reasons. Some may be less noble as these. I thought this might help the collection of people out there sans kids understand why people like me may ask you this question: (more…)
Boys will be Boys September 4, 2009
And babies will be babies. I know some of the things Josiah is up to these days are typical of a lot of babies, especially with the strong-willed, get-going, active personality like I believe he has. I also know I’m “in for it” with the precocious boy thing. As I’ve been reading “Bringing Up Boys” by Dr. James Dobson, it has been a very good reminder of how boys are different, and what might be in store for us. Not that they won’t all have different personalities and interests, but knowing his father, I’m guessing Josiah is going to be an in the mud kind of kid.
I got a great deal on a Tonka dump truck and a kid rug with a construction theme on it at a consignment sale. (Of course, dually appropriate because of my previous experience and interest in civil engineering and construction). Anyway, I figured the rug would be good at this point to put down in the Living Room or his room so he can crawl on something other than the laminate floors. (well, learn to crawl anyway).
But a story about the kid’s rug. I noticed it seemed a little dingy, but I thought some cleaning might spruce it up, and that basically it was going to get dirty anyway, so why not? I took it into the bathroom and hosed it off, scrubbed with green cleaner, and then kept hosing it with the shower faucet.
Tons of dirt and grime ran out of the carpet and down the drain. As I sat there for a few minutes just watching this grime wash down the drain. I had a feeling that this image might well represent part of the next dozen years of my life…watching the tons of dirt and grime wash down the drain. I don’t know…that was just the experience I had as I sat there; and I wasn’t down about it or anything, just preparing myself with a deep breath for what may be to come raising a little guy.
The carpet did come out much brighter and cleaner! it was very exciting.
The next story came while I was taking photos of some of my sewing projects.
I’ll let these pictures tell the story…
Yes, that’s him looking cute, spitting up and then playing with it. I set the camera down before he started tasting it. Yummy. Fun times…fun times. I love the little rugrat, though.
Filling the hole July 9, 2009
Besides all the talking that Josiah is doing these days, he’s definitely for the past few weeks wanted everything in his mouth. For many years, I’ve heard people glean life lessons often from small things that their children do. The overwhelming experience we’ve had while we’ve enjoyed the presence of Josiah in our life is the overwhelming love we have for him, and just holding and squeezing him and knowing our Father in Heaven does the same for us. I have learned many other things, but my latest is God just revealing a picture to me.
As Josiah stuffs his thumb, his elephant’s ear, a toy ring, the burp cloth, our finger if it’s passing by his face — or any
Favorite Blue Elephant
combination of the above into his little mouth, his whole body sometimes wriggles and writhes trying to smash it in more it seems. It’s like he can’t quite fill his mouth, and get everything he wants in there. Sometimes he’s content with just his thumb and the burp cloth wrapped around his thumb. Or some other solitary object. But it’s just funny those times that he wriggles and stuffs and tries different combinations. [by the way, the elephant is a favorite toy]
It reminds me of me. Of us. Trying to almost violently stuff things into our hearts to (1) make us feel better and less lonely, (2) fill our need for “stuff”, or (3) help us feel satisfied and self-sufficient. While she’s not the first to have penned these words, Plumb’s singer/songwriter’s lyrics come to mind…
There’s a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There’s a God-shaped hole in all of us
And it’s a void only he can fill – Plumb, “God-Shaped Hole”
That stuffing that Josiah does, the wriggling and restless-ness to meet his need….that’s a picture of me. It’s cute for a baby, not as cute for me. It kind of is like one of those moments of remembering the campaign advert that was out around the time I was in high school by the anti-smoking council or whomever. It showed a girl tarred and gross all over her flesh. It said something like “if what happened on the inside showed itself on the outside, would you want to smoke?” it was pretty effctive for me, I’ll tell you what. But I feel like sometimes with a baby in his innocence, he reveals his true flesh-nature in just being himself. It’s fine, he’s learning, and that’s what babies do. But his acts are just a version of how we are, we just manage to package it better most of the time!
Anyway, I want to think on what I’m trying to stuff into my God-shaped hole, and where I need to just let go and ask God to fill me more. How can He get in when we’re cramming a bunch of drool-soaked toys in there?!
Can I buy a vowel? July 9, 2009
So I guess as babies, we start off developmentally with a LOT of vowels, and just start to add consonants slowly to the front of them. Our little guy is so content to ahhhh ohhhhh uhhhhh all day long. It’s kind of fascinating to watch language develop in a child. I’ve seen pieces here and there, but it’s so interesting to watch it day to day. Some days he’s very vocal, and some days he’s much more quiet. I haven’t found the rhythm to that mystery. A couple of weeks ago when he started really becoming more vocal, he did it for a while and then took a break from vowels and just blew raspberries all day. He’d wake up, and it was the first thing we’d hear from his room. It was delightful.
Then, at some point, he just kind of switched back to vowels. And now it’s kind of like a singer practicing because he does this whole range of volumes with the sounds he can make. The other day, we were visiting his friend Jake, who’s a few weeks older. He and Jake weren’t quite talking to one another, but at about the same language ability. Each would rattle off some sounds, and some shrieks of glee. When Josiah made a really loud one, Jake would kind of look astonished. But later he would do the same and kind of startle Josiah. It was very amusing.
Josiah seems to like when you talk at the same time as he’s cooing and making his sounds. He hasn’t figured out the “taking turns” of conversation yet, but really likes us to talk to him, and repeat his sounds. It makes his day. It’s so thrilling to hear his shrieks of glee, even if they are a bit piercing.
My Shadow June 26, 2009
This morning Josiah and I had a most glorious little stroll through the neighborhood. It has been so ghastly outside in recent weeks and it’s been hard having a baby who loves to be outside and not wanting to go. But this morning, we took a nice stroll. There was a bit of a cool breeze, the puffy white clouds were moving quickly by in the beautiful Florida sky. I guess it’s only about 80. Now, before Florida, hearing it’d be 80 degrees at 8 in the morning would have turned me off. But after what the last couple of weeks have been like, that was refreshingly cool! So we enjoyed it.
Image: Bygosh.com
Josiah has found his shadow. I think he’s seen shadows for a long time…even when he was a little lump that would just lay there in my lap while we were outside in the mornings to keep him from crying. I think he saw our shadow against the wall. Anyway, this morning, the whole world was going on around him, and he focused behind us on his shadow the whole time (well, in front of us on the first leg because of where the sun was!).
I remembered a poem from Robert Lewis Stevenson’s “Child’s Garden of Verses” from growing up. So I thought I’d share 2 verses in honor of Josiah liking to watch his shadow.
The child in the poem is somewhat annoyed by the shadow’s “stickiness”, but I know a child would say this and secretly be thankful for a friend who sticks so close. In some ways, Josiah has become our little shadow; mostly mine during the days. But he is so fascinated with Scott now and watching everything he does. I know he’ll be trying to imitate and emulate him as soon as is possible. Right now he’s just soaking it in.
Like our little shadow.
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow–
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes goes so little that there’s none of him at all…- My Shadow By Robert Louis Stevenson
See the full poem here, or of course, in the collection “Child’s Garden of Verses“
4 Month Old Highlights and Happy Father’s Day June 22, 2009
Well, it was a banner weekend in many ways for Josiah. His sleep goes well, and then regresses some, but this weekend he did two nights with consistent long stretches of sleep, which was really nice; probably the best sleep we’ve been able to get so far.
He also over the weekend became much more deliberate in grabbing things. He’d grabbed hold of rings on the bouncy chair for a while now (since May when we were at my parent’s house and got this new bouncy seat), but it was almost like he was able to grasp half-heartedly. For the first time, I saw him really plan, reach out and grab hold of something, and keep grasping on.
He also has become much more rolly! He’s rolling around and can move around in a circle, but not like rolling over yet. he pulls his legs up, and moves them, kind of throwing his weight, and can manage to move like the hands on a clock kind of in a circle.
The negative is that he’s all OVER the crib. I’ll put him down, and he’ll inch around like an inch worm and end up in all kinds of positions. Definitely had to make the crib very baby proof where as before he wasn’t mobile really. He has almost laughed a couple times when I was playing with him in the mornings, but it was almost like I wasn’t sure.
Sunday he laughed as Scott had him “flying” in the air some. Which was also new that he let us do that…not so sensitive to that 
falling feeling. He loved it and we’re pretty sure a little giggle came out!
This morning, I hadn’t heard a peep from him (VERY unusual) so I went in after waiting a while, and found him happy and awake. I found something though that petrified me and I almost screamed. In the dark, he appeared with a ring of dark fluid around his head which in the dark I assumed was blood and I was frantic and almost screamed, but he was wide eyed, happy and smiling up at me. I paused, flipped on the light and realized it was poop all OVER the place. But he was okay. Gosh, that was scary. I wasn’t even upset about cleaning it up because I was so grateful he was okay!
He’s just growing up so much. it’s quite amazing. So, I know there are many more steps to go, and that we can go backwards sometimes and then forward again. But it was very exciting to see these big highlights all around the same time, and to celebrate Father’s Day and his 4 month b’day! he’s also been VERY interested in Scott especially the last week, watching his every move when he’s home. He likes hearing him talk, and watching him do anything — drink, eat, shave, whatever. It’s very fun to see him take so much interest in his daddy. A very fun weekend all around for Father’s day and celebrating nearly his 4 month birthday!
Enjoying the moments June 5, 2009
So, since we’ve had Josiah out in public, people are always looking at him adoringly and saying how they LOVE that stage — 
newborn/infant. Often this comes to us after a long night, or a difficult no-sleeping day, so it’s hard for us to believe. The hours of crying and fussing and unable to console our child leaves us bedraggled and sleep-less. It’s hard to sense that someone could LONG for those days.
But, I know that’s not what they mean.
They mean the cuddling stage, the small little bundle of joy in your arms keeping you cozy and loved feeling. The gazes from your infant into your eyes with the boundless and unconditional love for you. The smiles, the giggles, and the warm naps on your shoulder. Those things are precious.
Josiah is almost 16 weeks old, and he’s in 6 month clothes, and he’s becoming much more active and fun. There have been much better days of sleep and naps, and we’re excited for progress. He loves being able to stretch his legs and stand up, or sit up right (still needs help, but he doesn’t like lying down anymore). We jokingly say he’s done being a baby and speak for him saying “that bouncy seat is for babies…I don’t need to be in that anymore.” Just the other day, as he was falling asleep in my arms on a good day, I gazed down at him and had this flash forward moment and started crying realizing that soon he’d be wanting to walk around, and would be squirming out of my arms all the time to investigate and explore.
I realize that relatively soon, this stage will be over; I really do need to enjoy it while it lasts. He’s no longer the sleepy little eating-pooping-warm-blob that he kind of was for the first few weeks. He’s becoming more independent (relatively, of course) and chatty with goos and coos. He’s still clingy enough, and still can’t handle sitting on his own all the time.So I really want to and need to embrace the moments while I have them.
It’s a little easier on good days. But when I have a “good day”, I notice that he’s happier, and generally more independent and I can put him down and get some things done. Looking back on that in this reflection, I realize those “good days” will become more frequent and we wont’ be in the cuddly stage quite so much. So I don’t plan to coddle him or anything, but just I don’t want to be looking so far ahead to the next thing that I do miss out on this stage, even if some parts of it have been and continue to be extremely difficult.
In good news, he slept almost 12 hrs last night — 7:30 pm – 7:30 am. Not perfectly, and there were times he woke up crying, sometimes to eat. He fussed and squirmed and woke himself up with his sad little gas and such. But really, it was quite a miracle and like what the books tell you they should be doing around 4 months.
So I have hope that we are making progress, and that we’ll see delightful changes. But as the first 3 months slip into memory, I’m actually starting to have some moments of missing them. It is weird. Someday I’ll probably be telling someone that I miss that stage as they hold a few week old in their arm. I guess it’s the grace of God to help us lose memory of the difficulty and cling to the joys. Not everyone will; not everyone can. But I know that God has this built in so we’ll keep having kids!
Anyway, so trying to savor the moments. I’m realizing how much attitude affects my parenting, and I am glad I have some time to be trained in patience and endurance for the long run.
Being a Mom May 24, 2009
I realized that this past week included my first “mommy” event as a mommy, not counting my baby shower. I attended a Mom’s 
time at a church nearby where several of our friends go. It is a great program and these older moms in the church body have such a wonderful heart to help encourage younger moms through this ministry. I was highly encouraged to be a part of it. Of course, Josiah was kind of uncooperative the day before, and was questionable that morning. I had packed the car, and Josiah was screaming his head off at this point. I almost didn’t go.
But my sweet friend called me to say that it was fine if I came late. I was determined then to go ahead. I got there late, and it was their last meeting of this year (they kind of go on a school calendar) and I didn’t really get a ton from the teaching exactly, slightly distracted feeding and taking care of the spit up of my little one. But, it was just encouraging to be in a room of moms. The speaker was talking about how she didn’t wake up every day wanting to do all the things before her; that some of it was responsibility and where we needed to seek after God for the endurance and patience to push through laundry, meal planning, tight budgets, crying kids, etc. And how we need each other in this.
It was also nice to look around the room and see a great collection of moms. Some had several children, some were just pregnant with their first. Some moms were older with young children; some younger with older children, some older with older children! Some with 7 kids, one married off already. And several of us with our first. It’s nice to feel “normal” and see so many others trying to find sanity and community amidst busyness.
As I Hold You Close April 23, 2009
As I was holding my sleeping 7 week old, like many days the past two months, I was realizing how much his nose had grown. I spend enough time within 8 inches of his face that I can even notice the change in the smallest of his features. As he wakes up, I 
know pretty well the order of things he will do — his stretches, his scrunched up face, his movement, his looking around, his recognition of hunger. And as he starts to show patterns in his lifestyle, I begin to know the pattern of his breathing changing into the breathing that means he’s finally in deep sleep — at one point he lets out a sigh and his whole body goes calm and limp.
If we knew this about any other peer, we’d be called an obsessed fanatic! It’s amazing how intimately attentive I have become naturally as a mom. The funniest thing is that I’ve started to analyze my own habits and movements and wonder if they are influenced by my full awareness of Josiah’s, or if I always did those things. When I wake up in the morning, did I stretch before? Did I scrunch my face? Was it always like that? I have no idea. Being so intimately intertwined into a little life and watching him most minutes of the day watching for the slightest changes is what helps us to learn our children who can not communicate, and helps us to know, too, when changes occur. Changes can indicate development and growth, or they can indicate something is wrong. So we must be attentive to the details and intricacies. We learn the range of a cry, the fluctuations in the waa-ahh-ahs to start to know when it’s just fussing, when there’s gas to be passed, when there is discomfort or another need to be met.
Easter Reflections: Losing a child April 9, 2009
bye bye pebble baby
Today I read an article by my friend Brenna Kate, telling about losing her unborn child earlier this year. I wept, holding my son in my lap as I read her story, Bye Bye, Pebble Baby
In response, I wrote to her thanking her for taking the bold step of publicly sharing about her miscarriage and writing so personally of what it was like. I don’t think everyone has to share so publicly, but I appreciate that all the women who have lost can hear other women share their experiences.
As an outsider who has not lost, but who has known several women who have lost children to either miscarriage or abortion, I see that many of these mothers stay in a silent doom alone in their grief. Our culture wrestles with whether the fetus is even a living being with a soul, and we adopt a gnostic philosophy of detachment between soul and body. But I believe deep down we ALL KNOW (whether we believe in God or not) that the creator created this life and the death of an unborn child is a terrible tragedy, someone so helpless, who never had the chance to make choices or “do good” or choose evil. How do we reconcile that?! (more…)
Realization April 9, 2009
Josiah with Scott at church
At 3.5 weeks of Josiah’s life, we took him to church. It was one of my first outings with him and with Scott to something more “routine” and where we’d get to share him with our friends, church family.
As we walked in the door, and people kindly oohed and ahhed and said how cute our little man was, they would talk with us, and then they would go on and talk to others. The service started, and things — life — went on. I had this profound revelation not everyone was directly impacted by the life and needs of this small child. While they expressed great interest and care about how we were doing and want to know him and be involved in his life, it did not shake their world as it had mine.
This was a good revelation for me. One to help me remember that the world was much bigger. For a time that I’m somewhat consumed (rightly so as a new mother) with a small child who wakes, cries, eats, poops and sleeps again (with more crying in between all these activities!); the rest of the world is out there. And when we can, we’ll engage in it!
It was good for me to realize this truth.
